Care Package Sent

Still no update on Sofie through the traditional methods. My agency didn't even bother to get in touch with us this week, and they were open for part of the week.  I have been struggling this week with a lot of anger and resentment toward them and I don't like feeling this way. They have asked me not to send a care package to Sofie through a third party, yet they don't seem to be willing to take the necessary steps to get us what we need. Our initial request wasn't even for a picture. It was for additional height measurements that the International Adoption Doctor that we had consulted had requested. I still haven't even received those and it has been 31 days since we asked!

The breaking point finally happened this week when another Mom whose daughter is in the same orphanage told me about the updates that they had received on their daughter. The first update they were able to receive within 36 hours of issuing their LOI and the second update they had just before Christmas.  The orphanage is very receptive to requests for information and updates.....they just need to be asked.

Wednesday evening we ordered a care package through Ann at Red Thread China. She was fantastic! We ordered the package Wednesday evening and I had pictures of the package on Thursday. We are just waiting for it to be delivered! I am glad that we finally decided to send the gifts. I am still, however, racked with guilt. I am a rule follower by nature. I can't help it. I have never been one to deviate from the rules and I have always tried to respect other people and their views. I do, however, have a problem with someone saying that they are going to do something and then not doing it.  I feel like our agency hasn't even tried to help us out. If they have, then they need to communicate that better. 

We sent a very generic letter to Sofie and some gifts for the other children and the nannies too. I didn't want to send something from "Mom and Dad" as the wait for us to get there will still be a long time and I don't know how you can make a 2 year old understand that. I didn't want to do anything that would upset her or her life as she knows it now. I have tried to remember the concerns that our agency had regarding the care packages and I think it is reflected in what we sent and how we went about it. We have done the best that we could under the circumstances.

It makes me sad though. Most people are very excited when they send care packages and I just am not sure about how I feel. I am excited about possibly getting an update and pictures, I just wish it could have been done under better circumstances. 

I hope Sofie is doing well and that she, her friends and her nannies enjoy everything that we sent :)

I need a bigger Christmas Tree!

We had a great Christmas! I may need to get a bigger tree though, or at least one that has some clearance underneath it for gifts! It took us two hours to get through everything. 

Ainsley and my nephew Hunter had a blast. It is so much fun watching Christmas through the eyes of a child, especially kids who still believe in Santa. There is one moment that I will never forget. We were all opening our Christmas stockings and Ainsley and Hunter both unwrapped a candy cane ornament of their first initial. Ainsley then pulled out a neatly wrapped gift that said "To Sofie From Santa." It was a candy cane ornament in the initial S. Her eyes became as big as saucers and she started running around the family room shouting at the top of her lungs........"he know, he knows! Santa knows about my sister. Santa knows about Sofie. He knows I have a sister!!!" With all that has happened over the last two years that was the most "definitive" moment I have ever experienced. I think when you have difficulties adopting you have moments when you wonder if you are doing the right thing. If maybe all this stuff that has happened is the big guys way of saying it is time to move on and this is not the path you are supposed to be on. Yet you still believe so you keep moving forward. That one moment with Ainsley just melted my heart and I knew without a doubt that no matter what comes our way, our family will be OK. It is so real to Ainsley. The little girl in the pictures is her sister and will be forever :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a most joyous and prosperous New Year!!!!

Let Christmas not become a thing
Merely of merchant's trafficking,
Of tinsel, bell and holly wreath
And surface pleasure, but beneath
The childish glamour, let us find
Nourishment for soul and mind.
Let us follow kinder ways
Through our teeming human maze,
And help at the age of peace to come
From a Dreamer's martyrdom.

Madeline Morse

It's My Birthday....and I'll cry if I want to!!!!

Today is my birthday. Number 35......again. It was a good year so why change it!! I had a great day. My family is here and I celebrated with them and Ainsley and my nephew Hunter were super excited. They both bought me lip smacker lip gloss which I had to try on right away! It was awesome. The look in their eyes when you actually use something they picked out for you is fantastic. It totally made my day. It is nice to be able to celebrate with your family especially when they don't live close by. I am so thankful for today.
I did not, however, get the one gift I really wanted. A new picture of Sofie. I emailed our agency on Thursday and got the standard answer. I will email them to remind them. That was the same answer I received last week, however, it was never followed through on. I am a little bitter toward them right now and I don't like that feeling, especially this time of year. My father always taught me to stay true to your word. If you say you are going to do something then do it. I expect the same from others too.  I would be able to accept the wait for an update if my agency was doing everything that they could to obtain one but I do not think that they are. If they are, then they need to communicate that better.
I emailed our agency at the beginning of the week about sending a care package to the orphanage through a third party agency. Such agencies are used frequently by adoptive parents and usually they are given new pictures and a small update through the agency. I was strongly advised that this is not recommended and that I would be able to send a care package once I had an LOA. These are the same people that didn't want me to tell anyone about Sofie until we had an LOA! I understand why they have these rules. They want to protect the children. It is very hard to sit by though and watch everyone else post new pictures about their kids and I am told to just sit and wait and follow the rules, but, we are not going to do anything extra to ensure that you get an update. I am a little tired of them not looking out for their clients who have hired them.
I don't know what to do. The rule follower in me wants to just sit and follow the rules but the other part of me is tired of it and finally wants to do something for us, our family.
I am so glad that my family is here for Christmas. I treasure the time we get to spend together.
If I am unable to post again until after Christmas, I just want to wish everyone a joyous Christmas and a very prosperous New Year. Hugs those you love extra tight tonight :)

All I Want for Christmas

It is my birthday on Friday. All I want for Christmas and my birthday is one small picture...one small photo of our daughter. I just want to see what she looks like now and that she is OK. Please Santa if you are listening and I know you are cause I have an Elf on the Shelf in the house, just one picture is all I ask for :)

Christmas is officially here

For anyone who knows me, they all know that I love Christmas and I go completely out of my way to make it a special time of year. I usually drive myself crazy trying to get everything done. I have been totally off this year and have fallen way behind.....and I don't care. No Christmas baking this year and I have finally got all the decorations up and the tree done. This is the latest that I have ever finished my tree. Yes, it is my tree....Ainsley has her own. I am a little possessive when it comes to my Christmas tree. It is an pre lit artificial tree as I am allergic to real ones and got tired of suffering every year. So there has been a patch of lights burnt out for about 3 years now and no matter what we do, we cannot seem to remedy the problem. It drives me crazy but that part of the tree gets turned to the corner so no one can see it.....except me! THIS year I decide I am fixing it once and for all. I am going to put red lights on the tree too. You know how when you start stringing lights and you are not too sure how you should space them.......well, 6 sets of lights later and another trip to the store for more lights and VOILA! You can actually turn all the lights off in the living room and still read a book just by tree light! WOW!

Ainsley wanted to go to Target yesterday to buy a Christmas gift for Sofie so her sister would have something under the tree on Christmas morning. She picked three things out for Sofie all by herself making sure that there were no small parts as "her sister is little and can't have small things that she could put in her mouth yet." It was so cute :)

Nothing Yet!!

I emailed our agency yesterday and still no update on Sofie. They originally said that it would take about two weeks to get any information. It was two weeks on Thursday. I am trying to be patient.......not so easy. Our social worker told us that if they don't hear something soon she will email their China contacts to remind them. How about we email them now to remind them!!!!! I am kind of sad today. Sad and frustrated. The photos we have of Sofie were taken in September so I can only imagine how much she has changed. It is hard when your child is growing up and changing and you are not able to be a part of it let alone witness any of it. All I want for Christmas is one picture, hopefully in focus this time!

I don't have much else to report so.....let's update the bathroom reno!!! It is a complete bust! The ceiling looks great, the floor looks great, I have a toilet but no sink or wallpaper. Jim installed the floor last Tuesday and in the middle of it I received a phone call from the "wallpaper lady" who told me that my wallpaper was now on backorder until Dec 19. No chance of it being delivered before Christmas let alone installed. Suddenly, my "to do" list just got a whole lot shorter. Jim finished the floor and put the toilet back in and I added some festive decorations. Not my dream bathroom but at least we have a toilet on the main floor...a necessity with 5 adults and two kids in one house for 2 weeks over Christmas. Never remodel your bathroom one month before Christmas unless you are going to be away for Christmas :)

Back to waiting

Still no update available on our daughter. We were hoping for some additional information and maybe some pictures. Tomorrow will be two weeks since we asked so keep your fingers crossed. That would be the second best Christmas gift I could get, the first would be Sofie actually being here for Christmas. I have worn out the four pictures that we received in her referral. They are plastered all over the house and I stare at them. I think I am afraid I will forget what she looks like!

I will update the bathroom renovation tomorrow. It is a hilarious story that I do not have enough time to tell tonight. It kinda parallels our adoption story :)

Really...the next day!

Ok, so you know how I said yesterday that there may be hurdles, roadblocks and stumbles along our remaining journey......I didn't mean that it could start the next day! I have been having fun with my agency over how we need to sign our LOI paperwork, signature or sign entire name. I received an answer yesterday so we signed it and I sent it off overnight delivery with a signature required. Later that day I received an email from another person with a different answer to the question that had already been answered. The problem is the name that Jim had to use on all our documents is James but he signs Jim. James and Jim in Chinese are two completely different names and it confuses the translators as they think it is two different people! I fired off an email to everyone I deal with at the agency and basically told them to figure it out....now! I then politely asked, just double checking, that the addendum that was supposed to be added to our home study in June about Jim being James and they are the same person was actually added. It was not! After they all discussed it, the powers that be decided that a) our signatures were OK and b) the addendum is suddenly not necessary. I pity the person (if it ever comes to it which I hope it doesn't) that has to call me when our LOA wait is really long and tell me that China is confused about this Jim James guy and could we clarify it. It won't be pretty.

I have a new job now, ADOPTION SPECIALIST. It is my job to make sure that the people that I hired to take care of all the details are actually doing just that. I don't get paid though, wonder what I pay them for :)

A Big Sigh of Relief

Sorry about the abbreviated last post. It has been a crazy week. It is official we have our PA. For those of you who have asked, you know who you are, if you look down on the RT side of the blog there is a list of adoption abbreviations so that I don't have to explain it and you will know what I am talking about:) I may have some of it wrong too, so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know!

Our PA is a letter stating that someone in China has looked over all the tons of documents and paperwork that we had sent them along with our LOI and have decided that there are no problems and our adoption of Lu Jingjing may proceed. So I will lay out the next multiple steps for you so people can stop asking us why it takes so long for us to go get her now :) We are now in day 3 of our wait for LOA. All our documents proceed to a translation room where everything is translated into Chinese and then it moves to an in process room and no one has any idea what happens there....stuff just gets processed. This whole step could take anywhere from 30-130 days...no one knows! Next we file our I-800 which is our US immigration approval to adopt this specific child. This takes around 3-4 weeks. Next is the NVC(National Visa Center) cable which is an email or cable of our approval of our visa petition which gets sent to our agency and the US Embassy in China. This takes around 1-2 weeks??? It really gets confusing here. Next is the Article 5 which is issued by the US Consulate in China and that takes 2 weeks. That is then sent to the CCCWA and they will issue your TA or travel approval. It is at that point that you will know the exact dates that you travel and you usually leave only 2-3 weeks after the TA. There is the synopsis and that is why it takes soooooo long. I am sure I got some of that wrong as I don't fully understand it either.

Back to the PA (look at the column of abrev.) So Monday my agency could not get on the CCCWA site at all to print off my documents. Their website was down and I was having some communication issues with my agency. They though that they had done this step last week and that I had the documents, I informed them that they were wrong and I WAS nice about it. So Monday no PA, no documents....at this point I start thinking...so this is where the road block will be.....bring it on!!!!! For anyone that has followed us on this journey or had to listen to me rant and rave you will know that it has been a journey fraught with things gone wrong or not done right....usually not on my part. I wake up Monday and there is an email from my agency saying that we have our PA and here is an attachment of the documents for you to sign. WOW!!!!!!...and then I realize that there is no attachment to the email, no documents to sign.....really!! I just start to laugh as that is so typical with us.....and then I start to cry, and I cry and cry. I had not realized how guarded I was keeping my heart and my brain and how much of a wall I had built up to keep me from any further disappointment! It all came crashing down with two little letters PA! I was finally able to really think that Sofie is going to come here to live with us, forever! I had known from the time I first looked at her picture that she was our daughter, I was just so afraid something would go wrong. There may be hurdles,road blocks or stumbles, but, Sofie will be here with us, soon. I have done a lot of thinking the past few days and not a lot of Christmas decorating! I have been telling myself and everyone else that everything happens for a reason and there are reasons for everything we have been through. I just never really believed what I was saying until Tuesday. Everything over the last two years DID happen for a reason and that reason WAS Sofie. Her paperwork for a potential adoption had not been made ready until a short time ago so she was not eligible to be adopted until the Nov. list. If one thing out of all the things that went wrong for us over the last two years had gone right, we might have gone off on a different path and not ended up where we were. I haven't told many people, but, China was one of the programs that we had looked into initially but we chose Ethiopia instead. If we had chose China, we wouldn't have found her. We would have been matched with a child a long time ago. And then it dawned on me! The very first initial meeting we had at our adoption agency, which began our process, was the end of August, 2009. Sofie had just been born and was only about 2 weeks old when we started our adoption! Her date of birth is the same day as our wedding anniversary. "An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break" -Chinese Legend .

We have another daughter :)

PA 12/6/11

Just received word that we have out PA (pre approval). As our social worker put it-CCCWA has pre approved our request to adopt Lu Jingjing. I will post more later after I can stop freaking out and crying. We are so happy......this is actually going to happen :)

Ohhh....my bathroom

Thought it was time for a bathroom update. We don't have a PA from China yet, so I have to have something to write about.

I have no sink, I have no toilet, I have no wallpaper! Oh yeah, and Jim went to put the Ikea vanity together and the dark chocolate brown vanity has dark chocolate brown sides and two very white drawer fronts.....I hate going to Ikea. Looks real nice! By the way it is supposed to be all one color and that color isn't white! Now we have to take this one back and get another one with matching sides. If this is done by Christmas I will make snow angels in the front yard :)

Destined to meet

So what are the chances that three women meet on a online "chat room" and then learn that all three of them have a lot in common......this is an adoption chat room so the fact that they are all adopting is not the shocker. The first one posts about her new blog and that you need to personal message me for the password. The other two, for some reason, decide to go ahead and ask her for the password, which is something they wouldn't normally do. After looking at the new blog they discover that all three little girls are in the same orphanage and all are fairly close in age. Yes, you guessed it, I have somehow managed to connect with two other women whose soon to be daughters are right now at this very moment, hanging out with Sofie Lu. I can't tell you how, when I think of what the actual chances are of this happening, I get a serious case of goosebumps. I had posted nothing on the chat room about where Sofie was. It was destiny, karma, fate or act of God....call it what you may. I call it amazing :)

Love this feeling

Everyday that passes I have more hope that this is actually going to happen and that Sofie is going to be part of our family. Slowly the walls around my heart that have protected me and let me survive to this point are melting away. I bought a large jar today and put gummy drops in it, one for each day that we have to wait until we can go get Sofie. I estimated and I really want a gum drop right now! Ainsley picks one gum drop a day out of the jar to help her count down until we can go get her sister. It isn't as large of a pile of gum drops as I thought it would be :)

Bathroom Update

Here is the bathroom update photo. Yes, that is all that is done. NEVER demo your bathroom before you order the wallpaper! It is on backorder until Dec 12 but I HAVE to have it. It won't be the ceiling that will blow the budget, it IS the wallpaper. So far it costs as much as the vanity,ceiling, faucet and whatever else we bought. Faux Ostrich Skin ain't cheap you know! It will be a miracle if this gets even close to finished by Christimas. Maybe if I can stay off the internet we have a chance. :)

I have a shop van instead of a sink :(

WOW

Wow this has been quite a week. I was in the kitchen making dinner tonight (OK, we had waffles, no not homemade, frozen) Ainsley came motoring through the kitchen singing a song. That child is always singing, moving or twirling! Here is the song she was singing "sofie lu sofie lu sofie lu" I had a huge smile on my face and then I was the recipient of "why are you laughing at me." She is at the age where she doesn't realize how cute she is or that she has an awesome sense of humor, also an awesome temper but that is another blog post for another day.

I has been an odd week too, full of emotions that I have never before felt. I am not even sure how to put it into words so I am hoping that by writing it down it will help. Unless your have adopted a child or had problems conceiving or infertility issues, someone else will never be able to understand what it is like after sooo long to finally look at a picture of your child. It is just impossible for me to describe it to you or to make you understand. That is why the friends you make online in chat groups are just as important as the ones that you have in your "real life." Your online friends understand you like no one else will ever be able to. Wow this post kinda went off in a whole other direction now. I am so grateful to everyone, real life and online, for always being there for us through all the good, bad and stressful times. I long ago determined that our adoption story will never be the "poster child" for convincing people to adopt, perseverance yes, promoting adoption, probably will scare more people away! Unless they get a look at Sofie Lu's sweet little face. That is worth it all.

So back to the emotional part. I had totally thought I would go into work on Thursday and shout to everyone that we finally found "her." I was pretty quiet though. I told a few people, showed them the new blog and shed a few tears. On my way home from work I started to evaluate why this was. Yes, Melissa, I had one of those drives home where you don't quite remember the drive home because your mind is off somewhere else! I realized that I am totally positive and have no doubts that Sofie Lu is our daughter, I am just waiting for the call that oops! this has all been a mistake and sorry, but you won't be going to China yet. I know where this emotion comes from, countless times in the adoption process where the rug has been pulled out from under our feet, and I know in time it too shall pass. I do have faith. We were all destined to be together. Jim feels the same too. We are just so afraid to put our hearts out there because they have been trampled on so many times. Don't get me wrong, I love this child already. From the moment my eyes looked at her picture I loved her more that anything and I would do anything to protect her and make her safe. My children mean the world to me and they are one of the sole reasons for my existence.....she is our daughter just as Ainsley is. It is unconditional. I don't think I will totally be at ease until we have our LOA and China says we can officially adopt her. I know that it will get easier every day that passes. I look at her picture and she is just as I have always pictured her in my mind.......our daughter.

Every night I say the "Waiting Child's Lullaby" (it is posted earlier in the blog, Nov 14). Tonight I am finally able to picture her face as I send her kisses in the wind. What an awesome feeling :)