Random thoughts

We just got back from a vacation to our home town. Two weeks in the Great White (not white this time of year) North. The weather wasn't that great. Cooler than normal and we only had 3-4 real good sunny days. The kids still had a blast playing with all their cousins and hanging out with family. Sofie had a couple of birthday parties while we were there. She turned 4 on August 14 and Jim and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on the same day.

My Mom hosted a birthday tea party for Sofie's birthday party. We had tiny finger sandwiches, pickles and cupcakes. My Mom also brought out her fine bone china teacups for the party. They are 47 years old and were given to my Mom and Dad at their wedding. My Mom is a brave woman handing over antique tea cups to 6 kids with the youngest being 3 going on 4! When we placed the dainty pink teacup in front of Sofie, her eyes lit up and got as big as the saucer under the tea cup. It was an amazing look on her face, she couldn't believe that she got to drink tea (loaded with sugar) out of such a fancy cup. My Mom is still talking about the look on Sofie's face. It is moments like these that you come face to face with how different Sofie's life was before we became a family. Another other 3 year old would have had an amazed look on their face when handed a fine teacup. Sofie's look was still different. It was MORE! It is so hard to explain it. You had to have been there to realize how different it was.

I try explaining this to people, even family, but no one seems to really understand. You always get the answer of she is just 3 or she won't remember any of her past when she is older. Some memories will fade, but, I don't think the real terror of moving from place to place or from care giver to care giver will ever truly leave them. I don't blame people. It is hard to understand unless you have lived through an adoption. I just wish people would slow down and actually listen and try to learn instead of just dispensing advice that you never really asked for in the first place :)

Every once in a while, Sofie seems to lash out at me or push me away. It rarely happens in public or while others are around. It rarely happens to Jim, usually just me.  You have to remember, she had female caregivers and males were usually in a position of authority so it was usually the female who left her or abandoned her. It is as if she needs to push me away just to see if I am actually going to stay. No, it is not typical 3 year old behavior or the need for independence or anything else. I have raised another child through the 3 year stage. It is much different and more intense.  It never lasts and she is always sorry after and very affectionate. She is usually fine and I am the one who is emotionally hurt. I have learned to get over it quickly though and listed below is the reason why. I have figured out why she does it and I no longer take is personally. It actually makes me very sad for her.

I loved this analogy that was posted on the blog of an adoptive Mom. It sums it up just perfectly. You just have to use your imagination and imagine a child going through much the same process. You have to remember that Sofie went from the orphanage, to a hospital, to the healing home with Love Without Boundaries, back to the hospital, surgery, to LWB again and then finally to the main orphanage all with in 2 1/2 years.


http://thesweetfamilylife.wordpress.com/2013/08/16/wow-look-how-much-your-adopted-daughter-fits-right-in-and-what-attachment-really-looks-like/


A couple of funny things happened while we were on vacation. I was the recipient of probably two of the dumbest comments that another person has ever said to me. The comments didn't really upset me, I was more dumbfounded by them.

Sofie was at the park playing very nicely with a little boy who was a year younger than her. All was well until Sofie tried to play catch with the little boy and the golf ball that he brought along to play with. You can see where this is going, right! Yep, Sofie hauled off and threw the ball at the boy and nailed him right in the shin. She had this look on her face like why are you crying? You are supposed to catch the ball. I made her go over and apologize and give him the ball back. At this point, the little boys grandfather and I start talking. He asked me how old Sofie was and when we adopted her. First faux pas. He hasn't seen the Dad so how does he know she is adopted. Ainsley was nowhere around then either. I then told him our family story at which point he asked me " so you couldn't have kids then?"
Major faux pas on so many levels that I will not even get into it with everyone :) I then proceeded to point out Ainsley to him, not that it mattered but it was all I could think of saying as I was to floored by him comment to come up with a coherent answer.

Number two came from someone who knows my Mom and Dad so they will remain nameless and anonymous. Sofie was playing in their yard so I went over to check on her. She was having a blast and getting her nails done. The individual in question then started talking to me about Sofie and how wonderful she is. At that point, she turned to me and in front of all the kids, asked me if Sofie was SLOW. She actually spelled the word out loud right in front of her. She then scrambled as the look of my face must have been one of pure astonishment. She stated and I quote " not because of her speech but because of how she is walking." WHAT!!!! I told her that no, Sofie was developmentally on track and in fact she is probably able to figure out what you just spelled in front of her!!!!!!! I was dumbfounded and in shock. I really wanted to punch her lights out but I feared that it was not a good lesson to teach the children :)

I know that there was no maliciousness meant in either comment. I am sharing this with you to educate. Be very careful what you say to an adoptive parent and be even more careful what you say in front of an adoptive child. It is not fun to be singled out or to be labelled as different or abnormal.  The same goes when an adoptive parent is reaching out talking to you telling you about their life. They don't want advice, they have Facebook for that, they want someone to just listen and even if you don't understand, for you cannot understand unless you have walked that walk, just listen and give a hug. That is all we really want. Someone to listen and say "that must be really hard to deal with." Empathy.

Thanks for listening :)