Slowly Improving

Sofie is slowly getting better day by day, at least during the daytime hours anyway. Night is another story.

She is still being a super picky eater. She turns down almost everything. She will eat egg whites with cheese, some ice cream, some Pediasure, some mushed up pancake, puree lasagna (????) and brown sugar. The latter was because Mommy gave up and I don't care what she eats anymore as long as it has calories. She is a little happier during the day and has been playing more and more. Ainsley seems to have gotten over the lack of attention from Mommy and Daddy and is being very helpful with Sofie.

Nighttime is a totally different thing. Sofie falls asleep no problem but wakes up at some point during the night. She then is very restless and coughs and sounds like she is choking for the rest of the night. The fluid just seems to build up in her mouth and she has problems breathing and swallowing when she is laying down. I have tried propping her up on pillows but she is so restless she just rolls all over the place. Needless to say, whoever is lucky enough to be sleeping with her, does not sleep much. That would be me :)

Her surgeon has now prescribed prednisone to try and reduce her swelling and secretions a little quicker. Hopefully that will help with her breathing at night and we can all get some sleep :)

...one more thing

I have had great support from friends and family, but, I noticed that several people, including relatives, sent me text messages after the surgery saying that they would have texted earlier but didn't want to bug us. We want to be bugged. It is such a lonely place when you are in the hospital with a sick child or home recovering. You really need someone to just reach out and say hi. You are doing awesome. Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of support and a lot of good wishes. I just wanted to reach out to those who think you may be bugging us.....you aren't ..........we love it.............we are floundering and have no idea what we are doing. Just say hi, thinking of you :)

I have no idea what to call this post

Sat August 24

I went for a run today. It was the worst run of my entire life except for maybe the time as a teenager when I fell and had rocks embedded in my knee. Today was over 90 degrees but there was a wind and I really needed to get out of the house after being home for 5 days without leaving except to hang out at a hospital. Running always seems to clear your head and you have nothing else to do but think and listen to Pink blaring in your ears. Half way through the run I started crying. I had no idea how much I had been keeping locked up inside. It was very cathartic and something I really needed. I feel better now, empowered. I can handle almost anything :)

This post will probably take me several days to finish. I just do not have the time right now. I will post the date I write each section, but, I will follow the events in chronological order.

Sofie's surgery lasted just over 2 hours and went very well.  At some point in the pre op stuff it was mentioned that she would have a palatopharyngoplasty and not just a pharyngoplasty. The difference is that instead of her palate being just elongated and narrowed, they would be taking the prior palate repair apart and redoing it and elongating it and narrowing it. I missed all that. I don't know if I was out of the room, not listening or had just blocked it from my consciousness because it was more than I could handle. I didn't find out until 2 days later. Some things happen for a reason. She has over 100 stitches in her tiny little mouth :(

She woke up in the recovery room and proceeded to scream bloody murder for 2 1/2 hours. Nothing would touch the pain at all. She would fall asleep for 2 minutes and then wake up and scream. Her breathing was awful and she couldn't swallow so all she did was gurgle. Suctioning her was difficult with all the sutures in her mouth. We had been trying to stay away from morphine as it made her itch before. Not an allergic reaction, just itchy. It is a side effect. It was the only thing that worked and it would only give an hour of pain relief but could only be given every two hours. It was a nightmare and I felt so bad for her.

Sun August 25

We finally reached our room where the afore mentioned scenario went on for the rest of the day and all night. She was itching like crazy from the Morphine, but, the Benadryl seemed to take the edge off. She would have about an hour to hour and a half of comfort and then she would get agitated and start screaming. Her breathing sounded awful when she was sleeping. During the night her O2 sats dropped into the 80's periodically so she ended up on oxygen all night. The alarm on the O2 monitor went off all  night and none of us got much rest, including Sofie. By morning we were convinced that we were staying another night. She was still on morphine and oxygen and I just couldn't see us going home that day at all. Suddenly, right before the doctors made rounds, she perked up. Jim and I were looking at each other with a stunned look on our faces. This child knows what to do to be sprung from the hospital. She continued to improve throughout the morning but we had to bribe her to drink. We told her we could disconnect her IV pump is she drank half of her apple juice. She did. The clincher to the deal was when she started riding the tricycle up and down the hallway towing her IV pole and pump. That is not an easy task let me tell you. She doesn't slow down to let you and the IV pole catch up. We made it home by 4:00 pm. It has been up and down since then. This is by far the most difficult and painful surgery she has had to date. It has been hard, hard on everyone.

Mon August 26

Sofie finally turned the corner today, or so I hope. She has perked up a little more. She is eating a little bit and is finally drinking fine. We are going to try just Tylenol and Ibuprofen tomorrow. She snores and coughs all night long and sounds like a freight train when she is breathing. She it irritable and angry and every time she has to take any medicine, it is a fight. My Mom and I had to hold her down today. I haven't had a full nights sleep or even half a nights sleep for a week now. Neither has Jim and neither has Sofie :) Ainsley is completely out of synch and stressed out. She is acting up and being very defiant. Today was better for that too. Baby steps.

I want to extend a very heartfelt and warm thank you to my Mom and Dad and Aunty Joyce who came down this week to help us with Ainsley and Sofie. We would have been lost without them. I am overwhelmed with their thoughtfulness and generosity of their time and love. We had a warm meal at dinner every night, dishes were done, laundry was even done and I didn't have to buy or go out to get any groceries. I love you Mom and Dad and Aunty Joyce and we truly appreciate all you have done for us and our girls. I am going to miss the muffins :)

I am not going to sugar coat it, this was the toughest thing we have ever done. None of the other 3 trips to the OR remotely prepared me for this. It is brutal and tiring. Nothing like her prior palate repair. She is very angry and keeps asking me WHY as she points to her throat. It breaks my heart. We will not know for 2-3 months whether or not the surgery worked. If it didn't, we will be going back to the OR again. She will be prone to sleep apnea and will not be able to breath through her nose for at least 2-8 weeks. Her voice and the tone of her voice has totally changed. I was not prepared for that. I am hoping that once the swelling goes down it goes back to normal, but, only time will tell. I miss her little giggle and her voice. This is so much harder to write than I thought it would be. Wow, this is hard. The words that she was able or almost able to say are much clearer now which is a fantastic blessing and very uplifting. The phrases and words that she did not say very well or properly have totally changed. It is like she is speaking a totally different language and none of us understand it at all. It is so frustrating for both her and us. All the things I used to understand or be able to figure out are just gone now! I looked in her mouth and almost started crying. I don't know why it is so different than the palate repair? She had just as many stitches for that surgery as she does for this one. It just really bothered me to see it looking so differently. How do you explain to a 4 year old who is much wiser than her years why Mommy and Daddy took her to have her mouth fixed again.........baby steps :)

Surgery......again :)

Tomorrow is Sofie's sphincter pharyngoplasty to correct her Velopharyngeal Insuffiency. Say that fast 3 times :)

This is her fourth trip to the OR in the last 15 months. This is probably the hardest one. I don't know if it is because she is much more aware of what is going on now or if it is just Mama jitters. She was very strange at her pre op appointment last week. Very cautious and not her usual lively self. She was very much aware that something was up and this was very familiar to what she did last month. Nothing gets by this kid. Jim sat her down and had a talk with her this morning about what was going to happen tomorrow. She nodded her head and then went on her way.

All her other surgeries have been the typical ones that all cleft kiddos go through. This one is slightly different in that not all cleft kids have to have this surgery. The other surgeries were pretty routine. Fix the lip, palate, hernia and teeth and away you go to speech therapy. Of course, we made a pit stop in audiology but I digress. This one is stressing me out. So much is riding on this surgery. How she will talk and be able to pronounce words and consonants. To me at least, this one is major. Lots riding on it. Of course our surgeon is wonderful and I totally trust him. He even told me that this surgery is totally adjustable and tiny modifications can be made at any time, which, is another surgery at another time! Not what I needed to hear, but necessary.

It is 11:50 pm and I need to go to bed. I think I am afraid to lay down with my thoughts. I really don't want to do this again, but, I know I have to. Sofie is so much tougher than I am. I wish I could do this one for her and spare her the pain again :)

Another interesting read

Here is another informative and interesting read

https://www.facebook.com/ConnectAkid/posts/475153969248023

Random thoughts

We just got back from a vacation to our home town. Two weeks in the Great White (not white this time of year) North. The weather wasn't that great. Cooler than normal and we only had 3-4 real good sunny days. The kids still had a blast playing with all their cousins and hanging out with family. Sofie had a couple of birthday parties while we were there. She turned 4 on August 14 and Jim and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on the same day.

My Mom hosted a birthday tea party for Sofie's birthday party. We had tiny finger sandwiches, pickles and cupcakes. My Mom also brought out her fine bone china teacups for the party. They are 47 years old and were given to my Mom and Dad at their wedding. My Mom is a brave woman handing over antique tea cups to 6 kids with the youngest being 3 going on 4! When we placed the dainty pink teacup in front of Sofie, her eyes lit up and got as big as the saucer under the tea cup. It was an amazing look on her face, she couldn't believe that she got to drink tea (loaded with sugar) out of such a fancy cup. My Mom is still talking about the look on Sofie's face. It is moments like these that you come face to face with how different Sofie's life was before we became a family. Another other 3 year old would have had an amazed look on their face when handed a fine teacup. Sofie's look was still different. It was MORE! It is so hard to explain it. You had to have been there to realize how different it was.

I try explaining this to people, even family, but no one seems to really understand. You always get the answer of she is just 3 or she won't remember any of her past when she is older. Some memories will fade, but, I don't think the real terror of moving from place to place or from care giver to care giver will ever truly leave them. I don't blame people. It is hard to understand unless you have lived through an adoption. I just wish people would slow down and actually listen and try to learn instead of just dispensing advice that you never really asked for in the first place :)

Every once in a while, Sofie seems to lash out at me or push me away. It rarely happens in public or while others are around. It rarely happens to Jim, usually just me.  You have to remember, she had female caregivers and males were usually in a position of authority so it was usually the female who left her or abandoned her. It is as if she needs to push me away just to see if I am actually going to stay. No, it is not typical 3 year old behavior or the need for independence or anything else. I have raised another child through the 3 year stage. It is much different and more intense.  It never lasts and she is always sorry after and very affectionate. She is usually fine and I am the one who is emotionally hurt. I have learned to get over it quickly though and listed below is the reason why. I have figured out why she does it and I no longer take is personally. It actually makes me very sad for her.

I loved this analogy that was posted on the blog of an adoptive Mom. It sums it up just perfectly. You just have to use your imagination and imagine a child going through much the same process. You have to remember that Sofie went from the orphanage, to a hospital, to the healing home with Love Without Boundaries, back to the hospital, surgery, to LWB again and then finally to the main orphanage all with in 2 1/2 years.


http://thesweetfamilylife.wordpress.com/2013/08/16/wow-look-how-much-your-adopted-daughter-fits-right-in-and-what-attachment-really-looks-like/


A couple of funny things happened while we were on vacation. I was the recipient of probably two of the dumbest comments that another person has ever said to me. The comments didn't really upset me, I was more dumbfounded by them.

Sofie was at the park playing very nicely with a little boy who was a year younger than her. All was well until Sofie tried to play catch with the little boy and the golf ball that he brought along to play with. You can see where this is going, right! Yep, Sofie hauled off and threw the ball at the boy and nailed him right in the shin. She had this look on her face like why are you crying? You are supposed to catch the ball. I made her go over and apologize and give him the ball back. At this point, the little boys grandfather and I start talking. He asked me how old Sofie was and when we adopted her. First faux pas. He hasn't seen the Dad so how does he know she is adopted. Ainsley was nowhere around then either. I then told him our family story at which point he asked me " so you couldn't have kids then?"
Major faux pas on so many levels that I will not even get into it with everyone :) I then proceeded to point out Ainsley to him, not that it mattered but it was all I could think of saying as I was to floored by him comment to come up with a coherent answer.

Number two came from someone who knows my Mom and Dad so they will remain nameless and anonymous. Sofie was playing in their yard so I went over to check on her. She was having a blast and getting her nails done. The individual in question then started talking to me about Sofie and how wonderful she is. At that point, she turned to me and in front of all the kids, asked me if Sofie was SLOW. She actually spelled the word out loud right in front of her. She then scrambled as the look of my face must have been one of pure astonishment. She stated and I quote " not because of her speech but because of how she is walking." WHAT!!!! I told her that no, Sofie was developmentally on track and in fact she is probably able to figure out what you just spelled in front of her!!!!!!! I was dumbfounded and in shock. I really wanted to punch her lights out but I feared that it was not a good lesson to teach the children :)

I know that there was no maliciousness meant in either comment. I am sharing this with you to educate. Be very careful what you say to an adoptive parent and be even more careful what you say in front of an adoptive child. It is not fun to be singled out or to be labelled as different or abnormal.  The same goes when an adoptive parent is reaching out talking to you telling you about their life. They don't want advice, they have Facebook for that, they want someone to just listen and even if you don't understand, for you cannot understand unless you have walked that walk, just listen and give a hug. That is all we really want. Someone to listen and say "that must be really hard to deal with." Empathy.

Thanks for listening :)

3 days post op

Sorry for the delay in updating on Sofie but I have been super busy..........busy trying to keep up with the little munchkin who doesn't even look like she had surgery on Monday. By the way, she looked like that on Tuesday, the day after surgery too! So far she has ridden her bike everyday, gone back to swimming in the pool and goes non stop all day long. She is still on Tylenol and Ibuprofen but we have weened out the pain killer. She is doing non so bad with keeping hydrated but eating food is another issue. She has to have a soft diet for 7-10 days and she has been turning down stuff constantly. Even her favorite Pediasure isn't being consumed right now. I am praying that this is not the calm before the storm as kids are more prone to complications 7-10 days after surgery. Fingers crossed!!!!

Today we had to go into the Audiologists office to get her new ear mold to replace the one she lost and to get an ear mold made for her Lt ear now that the new ear tube is in. She was not happy about going back to the hospital. At first she was just quiet, but when it came to holding still for the ear exam and the mold fitting there was no cooperation at all. I ended up having to hold her down just to get the mold done. It then took two receptionists, a bucket of stickers, me and Ainsley to get both her hearing aids back into her ears :) It was a great morning!

Through all of this, I have been amazed at how resilient Sofie is. Maybe more reminded about how tough and resilient all our children are. Our children who have spent time living in an orphanage, who have spent time in a hospital in China with no MaMa or BaBa to comfort them, who have fought so hard to survive and live and get healthy.  I have heard so many stories from other adoptive Moms who kids just seem to fight through everything and keep on trucking on all with a big huge smile on their face. They are truly amazing children. Must wiser than their years and much stronger than you or I could ever hope to be. It is sad that a child has this ability. Part of me wishes she needed me after surgery just a little more, needed a few more hugs and cuddles and comforting. Sometimes she is such an old soul living in a toddlers body. We love her to pieces :)

P.S. She now has two goose eggs on her forehead and several bug bits around her left eye and she looks like she has been in a battle. None of it from the surgery though :)

Back to the OR

I just noticed that it has been over a month since I last posted. What has happened in that month...lots!!
Ainsley had her dance recital, she finished grade two and then celebrated her 8th birthday and had a wonderful party. It was also Jim's birthday and Father's Day. Sofie finished her Speech preschool class, finally figured out how to pedal her bike and how to open the front door all by herself. It is now locked all the time as she likes to leave the house without telling anyone and head next door to the neighbors :) We celebrated Canada Day and the 4th of July and had visitors from out of town for a weekend. The pool is now open and the weather has finally turned warm, hot actually! I planted most of my flowers and I actually got a vegetable garden in this year. I will post a bunch of photos to Shutterfly soon....I promise!!!

Tomorrow Sofie heads back to the hospital for another round in the OR. This is her first of two surgeries this summer. It is much different this time around than it was last summer. She actually remembers last summer's surgery. She has also reverted back to the stage where Mommy has to do everything for her and Daddy cannot. She has suddenly become very clingy to me again. I think this would be much easier if we didn't have to head back to the OR again in 6 weeks. She is definitely going to remember a lot the second time around. I just pray that we don't go back to the night terrors again like she did after her first surgery. 3 months of night terrors, almost every night, was not fun!

Ainsley is also very apprehensive about Sofie's surgeries this time. She gets very stressed with any kind of change. We had a long talk tonight about what is going to happen tomorrow. She finally stopped asking questions and turned to me with this sad little face and told me that she had a bad feeling about tomorrow, that things weren't going to go well. It just broke my heart to see her so upset and to be that worried.

I will post more after the surgery is done. I am a huge mess of emotions tonight and just don't have the energy to explain it all right now :) Please keep Sofie in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow and pray for a speedy recovery :)

The newest US Citizen

One year ago today a very weary family of four, who used to be a family of three, were on a Korean Airlines flight from Seoul to the Seattle-Tacoma airport in Washington State. When that plane touched down, the newest member of the Ducharme family officially became a US Citizen. This is how she celebrated :)

She was out cold after having been up for most of the transpacific flight. Ainsley then proceeded to lose a tooth while we were waiting to board the plane to Minneapolis which resulted in much hysterics as she was so upset because how was the tooth fairly ever going to find her!!! We were allowed to pre-board the flight early :)

A Year Ago.....

One year ago we met a tiny, scared, almost catatonic little girl who could barely walk. We met our youngest daughter for the first time! It was shocking to see her. I remember watching her closely. She would not move anywhere but she watched everything that was going on around her. I remember saying to Jim that it would be OK. She was focused on what was happening and was taking it all in. I knew that there was so much going on inside her little head than she was letting us believe.

It has been an amazing year. I still recall Jim saying that first day that Sofie really needed us. Little did we know that it was us that really needed her. She has given our family infinitely more than we could ever give her. It has been a year full of ups and downs and lots of unknowns. We have had to work through more medical conditions that I thought we would have to, but, always, Sofie leads the way.

Thank you to all our family and friends who have supported us, loved us and accepted Sofie for all that she is. Your support has meant more to us than you could every know!

“Though she be but little, she is fierce!”

― William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

Sofie, Gotcha Day May 14, 2012

Sofie, Feb, 2013

When Ainsley turned 1, we planted a tree for her in the backyard. On Mother's Day, we went out and bought a tree for Sofie in honor of her being part of our family for a year. Ainsley and Sofie picked the tree out by themselves and I can't wait to plant it and watch it grown just as I can't wait to see Ainsley and Sofie grow and change. We are so very blessed :)

Heading back to the OR :)

Today we had swimming lessons, a visit with the audiologist, an appointment with the ENT surgeon and speech therapy all between the hours of 1-5pm. Sofie fell asleep on the way home :)

We found out from the ENT surgeon  that Sofie has velopharyngeal insufficiency. She is unable to close the velopharyngeal sphincter during speech. She can't force air out through her mouth therefore she sounds hyper nasal and cannot say consonants. She tries so hard but she just can't do it. They will take down part of her palate, lengthen it and narrow it. They will also move some of the muscles on either side of her palate or something like that. By this point in the explanation my head was spinning and I had trouble remembering what he was saying. She also has an ear tube that has dislodged and because of her extremely large tonsils, they will have to be removed prior to her palate surgery. Her tonsils are HUGE! They don't seem to bug her though, there just isn't enough room in there for all of her anatomy so something has to go. The icky part is that the tonsils and the palate cannot be done together. Tonsils are a "dirty" surgery, the palate is "clean" and they have to be done at least 6 weeks apart. We are going to be in the OR a lot this summer. Not how I had envisioned our summer, but so be it. I just hope it helps her and she is able to leap over this hurdle.

I am not going to lie to you. The last palate surgery was brutal. The surgery was fine, the two weeks after were not so much fun. The pneumonia and the months of night terrors is something I would like to avoid. I am so very hopeful that these surgeries will help her over this bump in the road. At the same time, it makes me so sad that this little spitfire is going to have to go through the pain and turmoil of not one, but two surgeries. Both surgeries are an overnight stay in the hospital so not only does it affect Sofie, but, also Ainsley. I am not looking forward to telling Ainsley about it. She is so very sensitive and emotional and she remembers what it was like last summer.

I know that we will come out of this stronger and closer that ever. Sofie is so amazing, and her sister, just as wonderful. We are very lucky. We have two very special little girls :)

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Happy Mother's Day to my Mom who I love more than anything. She is my Mom, my friend, my mentor and the woman I most look up to.

Mother's Day last year was quite different than this year's. There was no special brunch, no presents, no flowers. Just a bundle of nerves, a wonderful home made card from Ainsley and a new little sister. Last year in China, a family of three became a family of four! Last year we met a scared, quiet little girl in an office in Hefei, China. I will never forget that Mother's Day. It was amazing.

Today I also think of Sofie's birth mom, who we have never and might never meet, and Jim's birth mom who we have had the pleasure and honor of meeting. I am awe struck at the magnitude of the gift that Sofie's birth Mom has given us. The honor of raising her daughter is not lost on me. I wish I could reach out to her, give her a hug and tell her that her daughter is doing well. That she is a determined fighter and has overcome so much in her short life. I wish she could know that she is a dynamo and has a personality that just seems to affect people in such an astounding way. I just wish that I could give her some peace of mind and maybe help heal her heart. The always wondering what happened to your child must just be overwhelming.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's in the world.....those who are celebrating, those waiting, those who have lost and those who will always wonder :)

Venting

So before Mother's Day and the one year anniversary of Sofie's family or gotcha day, there are a few things that I need to get off my chest. I will not name names as I don't want to upset anyone or experience any repercussions for my rant.

 I have never expected people to understand what it is like to wait for and then adopt a child. I have tried to educate people to the process, the emotions, the difficulties and the joys of it all. I have tried to be honest about adopting an older child and about adopting a child with special needs. Some people have been wonderful offering continued and ongoing support and assistance. Others, haven't really tried to understand, which is fine and I don't have a problem with that at all. Adoptive Moms and families just get it with no explanation necessary. They get ALL of it. This group has been amazingly supportive and they still are. I could not do all of this or gotten to where we are with out them or my friends and family who have all been so accepting, welcoming and supportive of Sofie.

What I was not expecting was to be judged by others and to be told what you are doing wrong and how you should do things differently. I was not expecting to be told that I need to do more, contribute more and be more by people who have no idea how it is to walk in our shoes. Those who have never been through this and have never taken the time to find out what our daily routine is....they have never walked in my shoes so don't judge me. All they see is a cute little girl who says hi and they assume that everything is OK and our family is now like every other family out there. Every family is different and has their own challenges to overcome. I have had a lot of difficulty with this the last month and I feel hurt by it all. I treat people a certain way and I expect, apparently incorrectly, to be treated the same.

Thank you to all those who have stood by us, supported us and tried to understand what it is like to be us. Somedays I am Super Mom, some days an average Mom, some days I fall flat on my face and I fail miserably. Always, I love my kids and my family and they come first in my life. It is times like this when you really find out who your true friends are......and I thank you from the bottom of my very tired heart :)

Here are a few links to articles that I thought would be interesting to share with everyone. Thanks for listening to me.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lea-grover/dear-less-than-perfect-mom_b_3184445.html

http://www.kathylynnharris.com/dear-moms-of-adopted-children/

Her Name!!!!

This is a short post! Sofie for the first time EVER said her name tonight :) OMG copious smiles in the house tonight. She has never been able to answer when someone has asked her what her name was. It has been one of the things that always made me sad. She knows what her name is, she answers to it all the time. She just didn't know how to say it. Well, tonight it came out about 50 times. It is not perfect. S and F are almost impossible for her to say at this point. It sounds more like OATEE and the T is really soft and barely audible. Still, I don't care, she said it and that is all that matters :)

Trying to stay strong and patient!

It has been a kind of a difficult week. It is hard to complain about it though when I see what other adoptive parents are going through with their sick kiddos and all the other events that have happened across this country. It does help put things in perspective, still, this is what we deal with on a daily basis. I have been trying to keep my posts fairly upbeat as our life is pretty darn fantastic. It can still be tiresome and require a lot of patience. I remember though, when I first started blogging, that one of the reasons I was going to blog was to educate and help anyone who read it. I wanted to be honest.

Sofie has made remarkable strides with her speech therapy. She has learned how to move her lips and tongue to make sounds and she does an amazing job with all her vowels. The consonants she has a much harder time with. If you plug her nose and get her to say a word, some consonants, like B and P she can say. Unplug her nose and they come out like vowels. Because of her cleft, she has air escaping into her nasal cavity and she cannot trap enough air in her mouth to force the consonant sound out. We are pretty sure that it is going to require another surgery to correct. Her tonsils are also very large and we may end up having to get those removed before they can do the speech surgery. We will meet with the ENT soon to see how and when to proceed. It is much different this time going into a surgery knowing full well what you are in for. It is not a minor procedure and it will be another painful surgery with only a liquid diet at the end. I try not to dwell on it, but I can't help it. It makes me very sad knowing what she could be in for.

Her speech therapy also involves a lot of thinking outside the box. She can't be treated as simply a cleft kiddo with a speech impairment or as a hard of hearing kiddo with a speech impairment. Factor in that she was adopted at the age of 2 1/2 and never learned her mother tongue, and you have to do a lot of adapting in Sofie's treatment and therapy. One of her speech pathologists is great at that, the other one is still on a learning curve. That frustrates me sometimes :)

Sofie is also starting to get very frustrated at times. It is hard to know what to attribute each behavior too. She is 3, hard of hearing and has a difficult time making people understand her when she talks. Bad combination!!! Most of the time I can understand what she is getting at. The odd time when I have no idea what she is talking about, she gets very angry. Lots of temper tantrums, but she is also 3....lots of temper tantrums. The more words she learns, the harder it is to understand her. People think it would be easier to understand because her language base is expanding. Not so. Keep in mind that she knows what the word means, she just can't say it well enough to have someone else understand it. It is like you have had a stroke and you know what you are trying to say and NO ONE gets it!!! Very frustrating....and you are 3 :) I have more patience than I ever knew I had....and less some days too! It is so stressful to be driving down the highway and have your child say something to you over and over again and you have no idea what they are trying to say or what point they are trying to get across. She gets madder and madder and I am trying to drive a car. It ended up with the both of us bawling our eyes out in the driveway :) We then went in the house and had some chocolate and all was right with the world again :)

It is such a difficult thing to explain to someone, so hard to put into words. She is such an amazing little girl who just attacks life head on and smiles through it all.  I think that is what makes the times that she gets angry and frustrated so difficult. It is really not like her and it breaks my heart when I don't understand her. I guess I feel a little guilty. I am supposed to figure this stuff out. She has to learn how to hear, how to listen, how to move her lips and tongue to make sounds, what sounds to make when and what they all mean......wow! She has come a long way, but, she has such a long way to go yet. I am worried that the surgery won't help with her speech. I know that there is nothing I can do about it so there is no point in worrying about it. That is what I tell myself anyway. Sofie has been through so much already. She just needs to catch a break. She really needs this surgery, if it happens, to be extremely successful.

I try to focus on all that is wonderful in our lives, which is a lot. Ainsley is so good with her sister. They play school together, dress up in funny clothes and just love each other immensely. They dance sing and play together, all that sisters are supposed to do. Sofie is still just a riot and constantly has us laughing. She is so goofy and just loves people. I love my kids dearly and I wouldn't change a thing about our lives at all, ever. Sometimes I just need to let it out :)

Huatulco, Mexico 2013

Ainsley and Sofie pictures

Almost 11 months

We are coming up on Sofie's 11 month anniversary of her forever family day. I cannot believe it has been almost a year already. Where does the time go???
Life is still just a continual whirlwind of activity and comings and goings. I really need a secretary. I am really good at remembering where and when each kid has to go somewhere or do something, not so good at organizing the bill paying and appointments. I have been trying for 3 weeks now to make dental appointments for all of us. Yes, it sounds easy to do, yet, it seems to never get done. I don't make them because I have so many other more pressing appointments to make so I wait until I get those done so I don't have to call back and reschedule and then more appointments pop up and the dentist keeps getting pushed back. It sounds so easy in writing :)

We went to Huatulco Mexico on the March break and had a fantastic time. We met several other very nice families all from Minnesota. The resort was wonderful and the area was the "real" Mexico and not all touristy. I will post some pictures on a link for you to look at.
We were very concerned with how Sofie would do on this trip. It was her first plane ride since coming home from China. We talked about it as much we could and tried to prepare her. She shut down when we got to the airport and started rocking back and forth from her front leg to her back leg. This is what she does when she is very stressed out and can't cope with it. Once we reached the terminal she slowly started calming down. By the time we got on the plane she was all excited and demanded to be in charge of her carry on bag.....too cute. When the pilot turned off the seatbelt sign, Sofie turned around and looked down the plane. At that point she realized that she had a totally captive audience and she let out a big HI and then continued to entertain the whole plane with songs and dance. That's my girl. She made more friends on this trip than I think the rest of us did combined. We relaxed by the pool and walked on the beach and had a very enjoyable family vacation. We even went to a sea turtle sanctuary and got to release baby sea turtles, who were only a few hours old, into the ocean. What an amazing experience. We also got to take a tour by boat of a lagoon that is next to the ocean that is full of crocodiles and all sorts of wildlife. We stopped at an island to have beer, pop and home made quesadillas that were cooked on an open fire. It was sooooooooo good!

Because we basically were in the water or a pool or sand for about a week, Sofie rarely was able to wear her hearing aids. It was an interesting week. She regressed quite a bit over the week, both with her potty training and with her language. There was a lot more baby talk and she stopped even trying to say the words properly or try to communicate with sign language. Since we have been back home and she has been wearing her aids, there is a big difference. As her deaf/hard of hearing teacher stated, it is a good thing to know that her aids are actually making a difference.

We have another meeting with Early Childhood Ed on April 22 to determine which kind of and where Sofie will take classes next year. It should be an interesting meeting. It has taken them since January to determine that their FM system is not compatible with her hearing aids. She was hearing her class in one ear and a class next door in the other ear. It was very frustrating for her and we have finally determined that they will use her personal FM system at school until they can order her one in July. Gotta love dealing with the Dept of Education :)

I will try to post some pictures from out trip on a link today or tomorrow :)

It's a good life

It has been almost 10 months since we have been home from China. 10 months that Sofie has been a part of our family. Adoption is a strange thing. When you first get home, it is difficult. Every day is a challenge of ups and downs. You then hit this magic point, and, things get better. A little easier every day. And then, for us at least, all the therapies start and you a thrust back into an unorganized life. It is all fun though. All it takes is watching Ainsley and Sofie play together and it just makes my heart sing and I realize how far we have all come. You kinda get lulled into a sense of security and comfort. You start to feel like this small, wonderful child has always been here with you. She is such a part of your life that you forget what it was like without her. And then something happens and you remember how very much your child has lost and left behind. She had a whole other life before her life with us. It may not be the life that anyone would choose, but, it was her life and all she knew.

We were looking at the Love Without Boundaries blog when a picture of a little girl who had just been adopted came up. She had been in the same Healing Home that Sofie had been in although they was a year between their stays there.  Sofie jumped up out of my lap and hugged the laptop and then started kissing the picture of the little girl and her foster family. She did this over and over again. It just blew me away! She doesn't usually react that way to pictures of children who were in the orphanage with her. It just hit me that she has memories and relationships with people that were awesome, wonderful and had an impact on her. It made me sad to think of all the people and the life she had to leave behind. It also made me very sad that she cannot tell me anything about her time in China or about the picture. I still don't know if it was the little girl who elicited that reaction from her or the foster family or the background in the picture. I just wish that she could tell me some things about her prior life. Memories that I could preserve for her. I realize how fortunate we are though. Because of LWB and Half the Sky, we have baby pictures of Sofie and pictures of her growing up. Priceless things that most parents do not have. We are so fortunate and lucky.

Sofie has come a long way with her speech therapy. We still have a very long way to go. So many people ask us if she is getting better at speaking English now. They don't realize or understand that Sofie not only needs to learn English, she needs to learn to speak and listen. I can use a cat analogy to explain it. At some point in her life, Sofie saw a cat. She knew what is was, but, she had never really heard the proper term for what a cat was in any language. She had never really heard what noise a cat made therefore, she had never associated meow with a cat. She not only had to learn to say CAT, she also had to learn to say meow and to learn that a cat says meow. She needed to learn to put it all together. She needs to learn how to do this with everything. At times, it can seem overwhelming. It feels like we are never going to get there...and then Sofie flashes one of her trademark billion watt smiles and she does this:

There are good days, not so good days, frustrating days and extremely joyful days full of laughter and giggles. We are so very fortunate and blessed to be parents to these two wonderful girls. I just look at Sofie and all that she has been through and all that she has overcome and will have to overcome and I just smile. Bad days just seem to melt away when you look into her eyes. If she can still giggle and smile after everything she has been through then I can overcome anything that gets thrown my way.

Ainsley is still just loving having a sister and having a hard time not hugging her sister to death. It is still just the most amazing thing to watch them play together and love each other. Sofie just loves doing whatever Ainsley is doing. It is sooooo cute to watch. Ainsley is the most caring compassionate sister ever. She is an unbelievable sharer. She gives toys up to Sofie when she wants them and is just awesome with her sister. I have to stop sometimes and make sure that Sofie is not taking advantage of her sister's generosity. Ainsley came home from school the other day and she looked upset. I asked her what was wrong. She told me that someone at school was making fun of China. They were walking around saying China China China. They had been studying Chinese New Year at the time. Ainsley asked him to stop please. He asked her why she cared so much. She told him that her sister was born in China. She was very upset when she got home. While we were talking, she told me "Mommy I just really loved going to China. I love China. I loved all the kids I met in Sofie's orphanage and I just want to help China and all the kids in China." That is my sweet compassionate Ainsley. I was so proud of her when she said that. So very proud :)